The Whole Shebang

Ep. 21 - Soulmates, Sabotage and The Power of Love with Elite Matchmaker Kailen Rosenberg

February 07, 2024 Kailen Rosenberg Season 1 Episode 21
The Whole Shebang
Ep. 21 - Soulmates, Sabotage and The Power of Love with Elite Matchmaker Kailen Rosenberg
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Who doesn't want a "soulmate" kind of love? Turns out, it might be you. After you hear our guest illuminate the difference between soulmates and lifemates, you might just think differently about it. 

For almost three decades, Kailen Rosenberg has been passionately devoted to helping others find and experience real love  – beginning with themselves.  As a Celebrity Love Architect®, relationship expert, elite matchmaker, dating and matchmaking global industry trainer and advisor, and author of Real Love, Right Now (Simon & Schuster). She has helped thousands of singles around the world find love, mend personal relationships, break love addictions, and repair marriages.  

In this episode we get so much depth and love from her on a range of topics:

  • How the Energy of Love is Healing 
  • The Concept of Soulmates 
  • How to Heal in Relationships
  • Why and How We Sabotage Love
  • Red Flags and Wounds 
  • How to Communicate Concerns 
  • Where Egos and Narcissistic Behavior Come From
  • The Real Work of Matchmaking 

This episode is an invitation to embrace the transformative journey of love, with Kailin Rosenberg as the architect behind the blueprint to deeper connections and self-discovery.

Resources:
www.mylovedesign.com
www.thelovearchitects.com
https://www.kai-len.com

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Speaker 1:

Kailin, welcome to the Wholesale Bang. It's great to have you here today.

Speaker 2:

Hi, thank you for having me.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I've been looking forward to. When I put the word out about this February series on love, dating relationships, I got a lot of positive feedback like, ooh, we cannot wait, please bring on someone that's going to talk about dating and how to have a successful relationship. I'm like we will. I just don't know who yet. And then my dear friend, jennifer um, brought you to my attention. So I'm so thankful you're here today and for the time that you're and wisdom that you're going to offer us.

Speaker 2:

Thank you yeah.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk a little bit, if you don't mind, if you can give us an introduction to who you are and how you got into this work. A little bit of your background.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, uh, yeah. So I am Kailin Rosenberg and I'm known as a celebrity love architect, and I think part of that celebrity piece is that, um, after working for about 10, 15 years it's been a total of almost 30 now, but about 10, 15 years into my work helping heal people and their love lives and connecting singles with their perfect, really person for them, and also healing marriages um ended up having the opportunity to work in Los Angeles primarily and with some pretty well known names and celebrities and so hence, celebrity love architect, architecting loving people's lives. And? Um, I have a background in um, in dbt. I'm certified as a master level uh life relationships um and love coach.

Speaker 2:

I have a specialized uh or have specialized training in addictions, primarily love addiction, which is actually a very real thing.

Speaker 2:

And um, my heart and my focus has has just always been to teach people how to have and how to recognize love and the energy of love, the power of love, so that they can have it in their lives, first for and with themselves really, then within their romantic partnerships, relationships and their families, and then really the community and and our world at large.

Speaker 2:

Um, I'm very happily married. I've been with my honey for almost 26 years and we have three amazing days and, um, and I've, you know, I've been through a lot that um many people have been through or are going through, and so it's given me the opportunity to not just dive in expertise that comes from, you know, yes, formal training, um, but also my own walk in life and through love and through divorce and through custody battles and um depression, and there, you know, I I've been there, done that and have walked through it by the grace of God, in a place that, um, I've not only had really extraordinary healing and love in my life, but now I'm able to help others have it. So that's, that's, that's who I am and, uh, what I do.

Speaker 1:

That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing all that. There's a lot that I want to dive into. Yeah, um, let's go back, if we can, and talk about love you mentioned. I love how you said that love is recognized as a healing power and the energy of love, and specifically, you said self, others, community and I. I like to think of that as a bit of like a target, like here is the heart of the matter and it starts with self and then moving outwards. I think that's just a beautiful sort of paradigm to look at love as. But can you start and talk about what? What do you mean when you say that love, the healing power, the healing energy of love, what does that mean to you?

Speaker 2:

Uh well, I, I, I tried my best to describe it, um, in my book, um, but I, I love what you just said and how you said it. You know, starting with our heart, right, so you said you know our heart.

Speaker 2:

It's, it's, it's in us, it's within us. We, we often think of love and, even, like with Valentine's Day around the corner, we recognize, you know, the heart shape, boxes of chocolates or truffles or the candies. So the heart starts within us, love starts within us If you believe in something higher than yourself, that love is a, is an energy that is connected to source, our, our higher power, our creator, brought in, meant and intended for us for healing. And when we finally have, or actually have or know what it means to have love truly within and for ourselves, at our highest spiritual ability, then we are energetically radiating love, we are truly being and becoming love, and then that is energetically healing. It's a calming force.

Speaker 2:

It is a healing force that not only attracts love in and with someone else, but where there isn't love or there has been, hasn't been love, it creates an, a calm and a healing which then when we have that as individuals, then, whether it's as individuals on our own, individuals that are others, or within our relationship let's say we have a family.

Speaker 2:

Let's say we have kiddos and our kiddos are being learning, learning love that way to love themselves, to know themselves, to know their value, to love others. Now we no longer have the bullying on the playground, we no longer have the animosity and the quick triggers to be harmful to someone else, and so now we have a better society, and then, therefore, we then have a better world. And so that is how love, the energy of love, the feeling of love, the experience of love, is healing, and so I believe that everything that is painful in our lives and in our world is just honestly, simply a disconnect from love that is always hovering, beautifully, energetically, waiting for us, powerfully, at every moment, all the time just waiting to be tapped into. We don't have to go find it, it's right there and we finally know it. Things just shift.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I couldn't agree more with that.

Speaker 1:

I love how you said that.

Speaker 1:

I my experience of that like what I'm wanting to ask you as well, if I don't feel like I have love, or for the people that are listening that are like, what does that mean I don't like, if they feel like what you're saying is foreign, which I think some people might, if they're not tapped into source that way.

Speaker 1:

So my first kind of and maybe it's too basic, basic of a question, but maybe not is well, how do we choose love or how do we find love when we don't know what that means or when we don't know how to choose it? And for me, my experience is that it's just what you said it's there, it's all, it's already there, it's just an uncovering of the mess so that we can feel it, see it, be it, whatever. But that might feel a little like intangible for people. So I'm curious to get your take for somebody that's like maybe they're the busy professional and they're running a million miles a minute and they're really not tapped into source or to love, or or maybe they just don't resonate with what you said. How would you guide somebody that doesn't feels disconnected from that or that it feels foreign?

Speaker 2:

Yeah Well, you said it so beautifully, based on what you just said. So let's say somebody doesn't believe in a higher power, they don't believe in God, they don't, you know. Let's, let's take someone who's a you know atheist. Right, they still know what love is, because if they didn't know what it was, they wouldn't believe in it. And then, therefore, if they didn't believe in it, they wouldn't even want it. And yet, and they do know what that energy of love is and feels like, because you can say, okay, well, do you have a pet? You know a lot more people have pets, kind of, than I think. So, you know, I have a dog, I have a cat, I just love my cat, I just love my dog.

Speaker 2:

Can you explain that feeling for your pet? Oh, it's just this warm, fuzzy. I just. It just makes me want to protect it, I just have it, makes me smile, it brings this joyful peace to me. Or my kids? You have kids, I have kids. I just, oh my gosh, I love my kids.

Speaker 2:

So you find something that you can intellectually say you love. Okay, well, what does that? What does that mean to you? What does that stir to use that term, or love for something outside of yourself. Now let's bring that back to you and let's bring that back to do you really, do you have that feeling of love for yourself, not in an ego sense, but genuinely, that really gentle, loving, pure, wanting to protect, wanting only the best for brings you joy? Do you have that for yourself and when do you remember having that in your life?

Speaker 2:

Who did you did you have? Maybe you didn't, maybe say gosh, you know, I had a really hard childhood. I had a mom and a dad that weren't present and then when they were present, they weren't very kind and they were really critical and they were, you know, just perfectionists and everything I did was wrong and okay. But did you have anybody that loved you? We all have. Oh, my gosh, yes, it was the, it was my bus driver bill that when I got on the bus in early in the morning would give me this beautiful smile and I felt safe. Or it was a teacher or it was right. So it's getting, it's being able to identify with the experience and the feeling of love within and then bringing it back to yourself and do you have that for yourself in that way that comes from again, the higher place of joy, a smile connection, wanting to protect.

Speaker 1:

That's so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I again, I. I don't want to skip past some of the most basic stuff. It's so simple but so not easy for a lot of us to practice. Embodying love to me is a whole thing to figure out. How can I be love and what does that look like? So thank you for kind of fleshing that out a little bit. I didn't want to jump past that. I think it's fitting to kick off the series really identifying what is love. What is it? What is it to love? What is it to be love? So thank you for going down that path. That's great.

Speaker 2:

No, thank you, Also based on what you just said. What I said wasn't that that is how you love. We can't even start to identify with love for ourselves or anything or anyone else until we recognize what love means or has meant to us and where it comes from. Then what does it mean to love yourself? How do you love yourself? We hear all the time well, you can't love someone else until you love yourself. Or it's so important to love yourself, then they just leave you there.

Speaker 2:

Then, really, what happens is that your ego moves in and it goes oh, okay, cool, I know what it means to love myself. It means to eat healthy. It means to go to the gym and workout, keep my body in shape. It means to have a good job. It means to be responsible financially All these worldly plain things that, yeah, it's part of it.

Speaker 2:

But you also have people that have all of that completely in check, right, absolutely beautiful, great bodies, lots of money in the bank, great career, lots of letters behind the education, and they're unhappy and they're lonely because the love has come from a different space and they really have never met their true self, authentic self, and never learned how to really love and honor and value themselves. When they do and this is the work I do when they do, all of a sudden everything changes, everything shifts. They're just having better relationships within their current relationship or marriages, but if they're single, they're all of a sudden attracting the most amazing partnerships and partners they ever have. They've had way to lose or they have something that's not working in their life. All of a sudden it kind of magically just fixes itself.

Speaker 1:

Isn't that wild. I love that. Yeah. Yeah, thank you for drawing that out.

Speaker 1:

I was thinking back to a time when I'm currently single and was single at the time, and remember feeling one day just kind of like I think I had something exciting happen at work or got a promotion, or, you know, when I launched this podcast. There are these moments when I find myself feeling a little bit more like, oh, I wish there was somebody here to celebrate this with. So then I'm asking myself, well, what is it that I'm looking for? What is it that I want in that partnership? Well, I might want them to say, wow, good job, jen. Or or man, I'm proud of you, or whatever.

Speaker 1:

And then I started thinking, well, anything I want from somebody else, I can give that to myself first. And that, to me, is that sort of relationship with self where I actually just wrote down what I would want somebody to say to me, and then I read it to myself and I was like, yeah, I'm so proud of you and and you can trust yourself to make good decisions. And so, whether it's loving ourselves or trusting ourselves, or affirmation, I think that asking myself, well, what is it that I want in a partnership and how can I give that to myself? I can't want a good, I can't want a good body in somebody else, but I can't want them to give me a good body for me, right? So the all of the superficial things not superficial all of the external material things that you mentioned are things that aren't the true relationship with self, right, where the relationship with self has to do with how we treat ourselves, which is what we're really looking for in a partner. I think, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Because we cannot not only can we not attract with regard to the experience of love, relationship, partnership, communication in or from someone else that we aren't able to truly, naturally, organically do for ourselves. We will continue to. Until we can do it organically, beautifully, for ourselves, we will continue to attract the opposite of what we need and get angry and frustrated on my Lord. How do I keep choosing all these bad people and partner Well, you're not who are attracting what the universe is trying to tell you you need and has yet to heal?

Speaker 1:

Okay, wait, we got to pause and emphasize this and tease this out a little bit like the double click on this, if we can. I agree with you, and if you can break that down for people, I think that would be really helpful, because I think it is so common. We're like, well, why do I keep attracting XYZ? And there is only this kind of men in the world? Men are all blah, blah, blah, or women are all blah, blah, blah. And so tell me more about that. What is that? What is that reflecting or what can somebody take from that? Maybe a real life example or what that looks like for somebody?

Speaker 2:

Well, I'll say quickly and this will be fun, I think, for your listeners. So, dr Harville Hendricks, world renowned therapist and a bestselling author, dear friend of mine, we worked for nine months together. We created a test called the real reveal to reveal the truth of who you are when it comes to love, the kind of mate you are, the kind of mate you attract and why, and the kind of mate you actually need and deserve for really amazing love. So the real reveal test if they go to, actually, they just go to mylovedesigncom and click through and take the test, or I think they can go to the realrevealtestcom too. We'll have to figure out. I'll get that to you later. It's free test. There's a more expensive, robust one, but you just take the basic mate test.

Speaker 2:

So, and it was based on this very thing, this question that you just asked, you know, after interviewing thousands of humans, primarily single, but many who are married and coupled from around the world not only just myself but also Harville we found these patterns and we started to dive into. You know, why are people so fascinated by the term soulmate? What is this whole soulmate thing? And we always say, oh my gosh, if we have our soulmate, if we just meet our soulmate, we'll be so happy, we'll be perfect and it'll be amazing. And yet what we found is that when most people say they found and met their soulmate, typically the story ends with and it was abusive, and it was painful, and it was fiery, and it was messed up and it was toxic, and I thought it was my soulmate and, oh my Lord, no, no, no, I just need to go find another soulmate and another soulmate. Well, yet at the same time, we'll say well, we want to meet our soulmate for life. We want a person that we can be in love with and just spend the rest of our life with. So, really, what you're looking for on the highest level is your life mate.

Speaker 2:

Soulmate comes along, then we have all this attraction as souls, as beings, to the soulmate, because the soulmate to answer your question, your original question the soul carries the journey. The soul carries the opportunity as the teacher and the student for everything that our soul's journey is craving and needing to experience the highest of love. And so our souls, whether you're in psychology or spirituality, whatever your belief system is, wherever you hover, while you are alive, our soul, if you believe in it, craves and seeks all of the wounds that it has inside that haven't been healed yet. Just feeling, that's it. So we are spiritually, karmically, energetically attracted to all of the wounds and other people that match our wound so we can heal it. And that's our soulmate. Our soulmate is our soul teacher. Why those darn relationships are the juiciest in the most. Oh my lord, it's the best sex, it's the deepest connections, it's the oh my lord, you're my person. And then, wait, how did this happen? How could you be so mean and nasty? That's how it was supposed to go.

Speaker 1:

This is like so juicy in all the right ways. I'm like oh, it's so exciting, oh, it's so painful. So, if I'm understanding it right, let's just hypothetically hear you get into a soulmate situation, relationship situation, and you and the other person decide and see and understand oh, we karmically pulled each other in and so now we're going to lean into healing these wounds. Does that happen? Or is it just like the soulmate is more to show up, to be a mirror, to show you the wounds, and then you got to leave and do the work on your own?

Speaker 2:

Oh, so okay. So you're so good, you're very light, You're so good, this is fun. The soul chooses the soul. That's why you say my soul. Soul says that person has all the crap you need. It's going to be great and fun and zesty and it's just going to suck and it's going to hurt so much. And so what you do with that depends on the growth you've had. It's the truth of your growth and it's not bad. There's no shit involved. It's like should I suck? Oh my Lord, I suck at all relationships. I keep inviting the same crappy men and women. You call it crappy. That's your ego calling it crappy. And over and over and over, what the heck? And then your ego goes there's no good women left. There are no good men left. No, you just haven't done the work. It's okay, it's cool, it's good, it's all right. And then I found it's over. 80% of our society is stuck in this.

Speaker 2:

That's why relationships are so difficult, that's why there's such a high divorce rate and that's why all the people that stay together married are actually not happy.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Not the plan Marriage can be, amazing.

Speaker 2:

So the issue I believe and I have many, and Harville's one of them, but many dear friends that are highly, highly notarized, respected relationship experts, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists but many of them will agree with me that today's system in counseling and therapy, especially when it comes to marriage, is really broken. It has a horrible success rate. It catapults more marriages to divorce, sadly, unknowingly and unintentionally, I believe, than into success and healing. There are people that have been divorced that you'd say did you ever go and see a marriage counselor and try to fix your marriage? They're going to say, yes, we did. In fact, we went to several and we just thought, holy crap, we're just not meant to be together. Most of those marriages should have been, and could have been, saved and could have been amazing, beautiful, healthy and healed and could have been every single thing that they wanted when they first fell in love and said will you marry me? And I said yes, and that's what my passion is about healing those marriages. So, anyway, the issue is that we don't have enough help. We don't have enough of the right guidance to get people, when they're in that space with their soulmate, where it's juicy, amazing and they want it to work, to get past it, to go through the fire, to get to the clearing side where there's cool healing or cool healing and peace, so then they can evolve together and be each other's life mate. Most people meet their soulmate and then they end because it was too painful.

Speaker 2:

And that doesn't mean you condone or accept physical abuse, intense psychological abuse. No, abuse is okay. But then it's really. What is the abuse about? Where does it come from? What is broken in that person? How can I still love that person but love myself enough to separate, be apart, but also still energetically send love to that person so that they can hopefully start to heal, if there's that ability and space to heal, if it's not too late, it's not too much. We don't do that. We cut it off, cut it off. Cut it off. Blame, shame, criticize, move on, do the same thing over and over again. So my work is to get rid of all of that, to shift that and to change that.

Speaker 1:

You're in a good line of work. I love it. And challenging, I'm sure. So challenging, yeah, but in honor of, how do we do that? Like, what are? I know you cannot boil down your life's work to the next five, 10 minutes here, but how is the work that you do different than what you've heard of therapy you know or experienced, or whatever? What different kinds of processes would you take a couple through? That's working. They've got this juicy, zesty, annoying relationship that's painful. How do you bring them through the fire? What are the steps of that?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So this literally is not meant to be a plug and it's just, but it's truth and reality. So I launched mylovedesigncom to as an educational platform where people that self-led, where members can walk their way through it. Whether you're single, you can walk your way through it so that you are better prepared, or best prepared, for your true partner when you meet them, and for married couples. It's also for married couples to heal themselves and their marriages. And it's $40. Think of what you spend honestly on counseling and therapy and all that.

Speaker 1:

We're on like drinks with a girlfriend who you're trying to get therapy from.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, in fact, we're creating groups around this. I'm very excited. So one time, $40. It's called building your love house. You go to mylovedesigncom, you click on the Love House, build it's $40. There's, it's 11 steps. It has a blue. It's literally like having me, but instead you're doing it yourself. So you go in. It has three blueprints. You have a self-love blueprint. You have a blueprint for your either current partner, that you're working on this relationship and you do it on both sides, and or your future partner energetically calling it out like vision boards. That stuff's real.

Speaker 2:

I don't care what you say you have a law of attraction, genuinely, and have a home in an office space. Right, because, energetically, everything that we are connected to, attached to hover around energetically, is either, at all times, it's either attracting love or repelling love. Even your space it's attracting or repelling love. It's hardcore. So and then, within the blueprints, you have 17 love homework assignments and they go really deep. You do them first for yourself and then, if you have a partner, you can you contrast and compare notes and blueprints with each other and you learn so much and that's what starts the healing. And that's why I created this, because, yes, it's been fun and rewarding to work with many, many, many people all over and to heal many, many marriages, and so it's been fun. But we need more of it in this world and I can't do it with everybody, and so I would love to, and so this gives you the foundation to truly do it, and they're getting ready to bring this to churches and synagogues. I mean, we have a movement starting with these 11th, but you start there, but you'll learn so much about yourself, because the thing is, one of the things that really keeps people stuck from growth is shame, and to bring a brown stuff.

Speaker 2:

It's. It's really shame. It's, it's an attachment, it's embarrassment, it's, it's failure, it's and it's like no, no, no, no, no, love doesn't work that way. It's okay. Like again, no matter what you've done, no matter where you've been, no matter what you've experienced, right now love is just sitting there waiting for you, it's just going. I'm just, I, just I want you to have me, take me. Like love is saying that. Like have me. I want life to be amazing for you. Well, look at how beautiful it is to be without the window. Come on, let's, let's, let's go, get it, let's go.

Speaker 1:

That's such a powerful and we talk about love being healing, and when I think of love capital L, love I just think of power and the power that love has to override shame. And and it's hard, I know, for any of all of us have have things I'm sure shame, guilt, past, whatever I feel like a failed I've, you know, whatever it might be. But some of the hardest thing quote I'm air quoting it some of the hardest things in life I feel like can be some of the most simple. I don't know, I can't remember who, who said it, if it was Eckhart Tolle who said it but if I'm holding a hot coal in my hand and it's burning my hand, what's the quickest way to not be hurting anymore? And it's just to simply drop it and let it go.

Speaker 1:

And I think of shame that way sometimes too, or or guilt, or past stuff, that can this be as simple as me choosing to just drop this and let it go, and then what is it? What? How simple also can it be to choose to receive love? Because I think sometimes, if we don't feel worthy of that, we block the healing power that love is. And so to move, yeah, to move through, that is not complex but it's hard work. I guess when you you said the phrase earlier like a lot of people aren't doing the work and doing any of the work?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, true, they're really, really not. They're trying, they're reading self help books they're, they're going to counseling, they're hiring a coach. They're doing, but it's still a little off.

Speaker 1:

So one of the things you talked about when we first connected was and I think you've touched on some of this maybe with the shame is that people can kind of get in their own way and sabotage the love that's in their lives. Can you speak a little bit more to that?

Speaker 2:

When we're sabotaging love, most often we have no true awareness that we're even doing it, and yet it is attached to, when you look at it, what we were just talking about shame. That again goes into what you were saying. Something in us has has absolutely learned to trust and believe that we're not worthy of love, that we need to be embarrassed or ashamed of something we've done or we've really failed, and so we're really broken and and so, with that hidden awareness, we act out based on it. And so, therefore, we have really sabotaging behaviors that mostly we're unaware of and the ones we are aware of, where you'll say something or do something inside. You'll go oh my lord, I can't believe I just did that. I said that I'm so embarrassed I wish I could have done that differently. We still don't really change it most often because also attached to that is a feeling of power and protection. When we get really angry, or if you really swear, you let, really let someone have it. You know it's probably not the most effective way of handling your frustration and anger, but it feels really good to be pissed off With all the nearest and the chemicals that run through the body. It's like fricking powerful and I'm mad, but energetically it's. It's keeping us absolutely stuck in quicksand and so we sabotage through our behaviors that are attached to our shame and our belief that we're really not worthy.

Speaker 2:

And you could have somebody with a really big ego say that's not true. I totally know I'm worthy, I'm amazing. Catch, look at me. And yet someone really coming from peace and love and a sense of healing would never say that yeah. So when you see those people, you recognize those people and people.

Speaker 2:

I don't care what side of the political fence you're on, but Trump is a big one that everybody can basically on either side go.

Speaker 2:

Guy has a huge ego and he can act really ugly. It's really easy to judge because it's uncomfortable, but if you really look at what that's about or as many things as some people can say, he does really well in business or whatever, I don't know, again, no judgment. What he's really saying is somewhere, when I was a little kid, someone didn't see me, someone didn't hear me, someone didn't love me, and that was really uncomfortable and really painful. So I'm just going to be super, super puffed up and strong in my ego and I'm going to act like this so that nothing hurts me, nothing penetrates me and I'm just going to be a big bully because I've been taught since a young age that love hurts and people hurt and nothing's safe. So we're all doing that. I mean, I did that with my husband. I've healed hundreds and hundreds of marriages and I was doing that with my husband up until a freaking year ago. I didn't even know.

Speaker 1:

How did you become aware of it? Was he like honey?

Speaker 2:

My God, how long is this going to take? Kailin, you know I had a massive. It wasn't just a health scare, it was a health reality. I'm considered right now a medical miracle at Mayo, praise God.

Speaker 2:

But it was such a reality check for me that I had to get so humbled in the reality of the news that I was given that I really the term broken open. I mean I've done a lot of work, a lot of healing. My friends are the best in the world and spirit you know, Mary, and Williamson is a friend of mine. I mean I've had access to and blessed to be around and to train with, and to coach and to be healed by the best of the best. But I still had my shit and you don't you know. And so I guess I had to be so broken open from this diagnosis that all of a sudden, the behaviors that I still had that my husband would be so forgiving of, that really he didn't need to be in Dinders. I can't explain it. He was actually just real love on his side, which is really beautiful, I guess.

Speaker 2:

Yes, but all of a sudden I was feeling it a tone I would use and I would my ego still would excuse it, as I'm freaking exhausted. I just coached and trained and healed. How many people today? And I did this over here and this over here and I'm, I'm, I'm. So I'm going to be a little pissing, a little bitchy right now, and then all of a sudden I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no, that that doesn't feel good in my spirit to speak with that tone. It doesn't feel good in my spirit, my soul, my stomach, my, my, my solar plexus, my chakra, whatever you want to call it. That doesn't feel good. So I want to change it. I want to change it. I don't want that in there anymore. I want to heal that. I want to know where does that come from? So was a, and that's part of self love. You become your own counselor.

Speaker 2:

Yeah you become your greatest teacher and your greatest lover and just go. Okay, cool. Well, if I only have a little bit of time left on this planet, how do I want to be? What do I want to? What do I want to take with me, like for real? What do I want to leave for the people I say I love, or the people I don't even know? So I got to that space. And so now my husband and I have the best marriage we've ever had. I mean, it's awesome, I love hearing that.

Speaker 1:

It's so good to hear the success stories, if you will. And part of why I ask that question is you know, when we talk about the blind spots that we have, you know we're self sabotaging and we don't see it A lot of the time and some of it we might see an ego gets in the way. So I was curious with you, yeah, how you saw it, and I think that's probably a pretty common story, that maybe there were whispers to you earlier on. Right, that you do, you weren't paying attention to, and then it takes the breaking open sometimes for us to hear the scream and go okay, and get fed up and start and be self aware more self aware than in those moments when we can change that. But also, you were open to it, you were ready at that time, you were open to it and I think that's important.

Speaker 1:

If people are listening today and they're saying, well, I really want a partner and I really want love, I mean the big takeaway for me right now is like, great, get ready to do some work. Like, are you ready and open for that? Because if you want great love, it's going to require something of you other than gimme, gimme, gimme.

Speaker 2:

Well, yeah, and that's going back to the whole building your love house, and my love to the house, because we even have our singles building their love houses.

Speaker 2:

Because I'm saying, just because you're single and just because you want a relationship does not mean you're ready. You have to build your love house so real love can move in. You know, and going through that process, or you will end up in the same situation over and over again. And it's not to be confusing when I was saying earlier about the soulmate, like, but it's, at what level of soulmate do you want to? You know, how long do you want to continue to repeat the patterns to heal, like, how about let's, let's work on healing them ourselves and then whatever is left, the residual peace with our soulmate, our person, our life mate. Ooh, that's good stuff, that's the glue, that's the bonding material, the true bonding material.

Speaker 1:

That's such a powerful reframe because we often see it as like and I'm sure some of them are red flags right, that's the first thing that came to mind, but it's also like, again, if I'm pulling in what my soul needs, that red flag has a matching red flag on my side, if I'm willing to see it right. Well, let me clarify that one.

Speaker 2:

Yes, please, yeah, no, no, that's really good. When you really a red flag in someone else does not mean that you always had that red flag within yourself. Okay, so when I say that there's matching brokenness or the person has the brokenness you need, how about let's say that a red flag can say when you are self-aware enough and you love yourself for real, a person can have a red flag and the love inside yourself sees it immediately and goes oh, that's a red flag, that's unhealthy for me and unhealthy for my soul, so I'm just not going to go there. It's not. I'm going to go there and go there and go there. And then the super hurt, mad, pissed off that this person is not who they were when I met them, where they were showing you constantly who they were. You were just choosing. So your brokenness then. So I guess you were half correct and half not. You either recognize it and you go.

Speaker 2:

Hmm, that makes me sad for that person, not in a sarcastic way, in a loving way. It makes me sad for that person that that's how they're showing up in life. That's how they're I'm a great catch, I'm a great single woman and I'm excited to be in a relationship and they seem like a great guy. But yeah, that behavior. No, I've been there, nope, not doing that anymore. So, sending you love, goodbye, not even going on a second date, nope.

Speaker 2:

Or in any relationship to the third date, nope. Or if you bring it in, then it is going back to what I said earlier your wound is gone. I guess I need that darn wound, but then with all the good health, with good health.

Speaker 1:

How can?

Speaker 2:

you put this out. You're constantly late. I caught you lying. You drink too much alcohol. Okay, and I'm still with you. You're not a bad person.

Speaker 2:

You're clearly in pain, because people who aren't in pain don't abuse alcohol. People in pain, don't lie. Or people that are healthy, don't lie. People who so, okay, where's the pain coming from? That's triggering addiction, triggering abusive behavior tactics, triggering being late, triggering lying all these things that aren't honoring your higher self, that you're dumping on other people. I see a really beautiful person in there. I want to potentially be with that person, but only if you're willing to do the work and start healing that shit. And I love you and I or I'm falling in love with you and I have my crap too, and hey, let's work on this together, let's build our love houses together and let's see if we can be together and let's make sure we're on this really beautiful trajectory of healing, if not so cool meeting you. Thank you for the experience. I wish you lots of luck and love. I'm going to keep going and see if I can find my person. That should be happening. That's what's not happening.

Speaker 1:

When you're talking about the red flags versus like them not being a match for match, the same way, necessarily like drawing in a wounded person, is to me, I feel like a wound is different than a red flag, and in my past experiences, the wounds you don't see really as easily to like if I have a, you know, I grew up and felt abandoned, so I have this kind of deep seated thing that crops up every once in a while, like I'm I'm afraid they're going to leave me. That, to me, feels like a wound which is different than a red flag of somebody consistently lying. To me, though, those feel like different things. Yes, so we could put them in different categories. All, would you say all wounds are red flags. Yes, okay, okay, that's what I was looking for some clarity on that Interesting.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's. It's me with my red flag, my soul going. I need help over here. I messed up in these areas and most people don't challenge me on them and most people stay with me and they just keep letting me do this and allowing me to do this without any sort of loving confrontation. You know I'm I'm around a super codependent family and codependent friends and you know passive, aggressive this, and so I'm hovering in. I guess this is okay behavior because people are tolerated, tolerating it. No, it's a cry for help.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

It's a cry for help. But it gets characterized in in psychology, it gets characterized in social media, characterized in just in society, that they're bad people. They're not bad people, they're hurting, hurting people. They're really wounded people. All the darkness, all the crap that's in this world that makes it really painful for all of us. They're wounded wounded little kids.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So do you think that I mean I'm, I think that we're never, we've never fully arrived quote unquote in our growth in life for somebody that's single or maybe in a relationship too? But I'm thinking about somebody that's single that's like, well, when will I be ready? Like I don't want to call in another wounded person. How much work, like when am I ready enough? If we've never fully arrived, like when am I ready? How do I know?

Speaker 2:

Well, there's no such thing as not calling in a wounded person.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2:

Everybody's got a wound, everybody has one.

Speaker 1:

I still have my.

Speaker 2:

I've got some with my mouth still. I'm like still trying to work it out. So it's recognizing the level of wounding, recognizing the space of healing that you are in and continuing to have, and then doing this I mean really authentically, honestly, in a self loving way with yourself. If you're able to do that, you're ready to start trying and then looking for it and then identifying that in someone else, and not only identifying it, because we're really perceptive, we're all intuitive and we all feel each other's energy. It's just whether or not we're we trust ourselves to trust what we're feeling that we should, and then being able to just ask them and say hey, I mean, if you're looking for your person, you want to be able to. You're vetting this person to see is this your, is this your person? So you should be able to talk.

Speaker 2:

We're humans. You should be able to ask about any single question and see how they respond. You'll know how they respond. We'll tell you if that's potentially a person or not. So if you say, hey, you know really had a great time with you tonight. It was a really fun day first date. You know, what do you think you have left? It's kind of wounded inside of you and some people will be like what you know nah, that's a weird question. Or your person's going to be like man, that's heavy, um, I don't know. Let me think about that. What makes you ask that? And then also you start bonding over the connection of that communication.

Speaker 1:

Sure Right.

Speaker 2:

Or you know, well, you know I used to have this or had that, or, oh my gosh, okay, this is kind of heavy and deep. I can't believe you're asking this, but you know, when I was with my ex and not bring up my ex, because I know we're not supposed to do that the things that I did wrong and I probably could have done differently was this but this is cool, I like that. We're talking about this next thing. You know you're like this is so good, this is. You see, this is cool, it's honest and real. Yeah, um, so it's.

Speaker 2:

How do you know when you're ready enough, when you love yourself, you're protective of yourself in a healthy way, in a gentle way, when you're paying attention to red flags, when you're honoring them, when you're honoring the red flags within yourself and your own behavior? Like I said, things that I could say or tone I could have with my husband two years ago or before a health diagnosis I was. You know, I blow off in my head because the rest of me is pretty darn great. No, it's like oh, that feels kind of icky. I don't want even that in me.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, can you go through some red flags and green flags?

Speaker 2:

How about? I'll do red and yellow. So a red flag would be somebody who is um, obviously constantly late, who, um, if they drink alcohol, they drink to the point of where it's they're thrown them back. Mm, hmm, one, two, depending on your size and this, and that maybe three, but really, really, on the first date you shouldn't have more than two male female just two Again. You need to yeah.

Speaker 1:

One none.

Speaker 2:

Um, a lot of self, self absorption, a lot of me talk, no space for you to figure out who you are to really, and not just you can tell the difference. Your soul can feel the difference energetically between a surface level. I'm just asking a question to get an answer. Or I really want to know about you. Tell me who are you Right? That's, that's a red flag.

Speaker 2:

Someone who's late all the time? Someone who trashes their ex? He says, oh my Lord, my ex here, she was, totally she. This is what men usually say she was crazy, she was crazy. They'll, they'll give you her mental health diagnosis. Um, she was an alcoholic, she was this, she was that.

Speaker 2:

And then women will say he was abusive, he was okay. Well, probably truth to everything they're saying. It's. How are they saying it? It's? Why are they saying it?

Speaker 2:

Are they saying it with some self reflection, some awareness, some compassion, where they also learn something that, hey, you weren't just with an abuse of alcoholic. You attracted an abuse of alcoholic and you stayed and you fell in love and you got married. Or you stayed with them for three years. It's not all in them. Did you learn that? If they haven't? And it's like I'm the shining. You know specimen of amazing person or human, and my exes are all nuts and addicts.

Speaker 2:

That's a massive red flag. Yeah, um, yeah. And then I think you know, um and the other little things are like little idiosyncrasies that are more yellow flags. If it's um, should I head on? And I lost it now, but um, it does have. It happened a lot. If you have somebody again who's late and then and you see a pattern, but everything else about them is amazing. When you finally say, hey, I'm going to be honest with you, I really like you and I know you have a busy life and a busy schedule, but I've just kind of noticed you're late a lot and and it just doesn't feel good to me. Their response should be you know, thank you so much for telling me that. Thank you for it. So much for sharing how you feel about that. You know what You're right. I do have a tendency to be late and I know it's not respectful, so I'm going to change that.

Speaker 1:

It seems like such a simple thing, but as you're saying that, um, why does being late indicate a rather yellow flag to you? What is being late, communicate to you.

Speaker 2:

That you don't matter.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

Your time is not as valuable as mine. I'm more important than you are. Yeah, that's it. And and um, sometimes it's an. It's an innocent, genuinely an innocent, learned crappy behavior that you've just been able to get away with. But it's not kind. But if the difference is, do you care or not? If you don't care, that's a red flag. If you care, the same behavior, but the response to it, then it's a yellow flag.

Speaker 1:

And you want to. You touched on something that was so valuable. When we have high enough self worth, we bring we will bring that up, because you were saying this earlier. We don't quote unquote. Let people get away with that behavior. When we have high self worth, because we value our crime, because I value, because I respect myself, this may be a crappy learned behavior and it's still not okay with me. So then, how to? How to sort of set that boundary or set that expectation to somebody like that that may not have ever been called on it before, or and it doesn't have to be a horribly mean call out, but I think you know. And then, like you said, then they have a choice.

Speaker 1:

But I think so often we're moving so fast, or if we don't have that high self worth, we might be looking at red flags, yellow flags, green flags as a checklist rather than understanding what's beneath that. What is that really communicating to me? If, if you drink so much that, even though you drove me here, I'm afraid to get in a car with you, it's not just about the alcohol at that point, it's a lack of presence and awareness and care, and it's a. It's a. It demonstrates a lot of other things that we might overlook when we're just analyzing the flag.

Speaker 2:

And it's going with what it, how it feels in your body. It doesn't feel good that's attached to the kind of boundaries we their headset in a healthy, beautiful way by our parents for us when we were little, where we taught healthy boundaries and our value of our boundaries or not, did we? Are they really loosey-goosey, do they? Do we? Do we not have any? There's some people that really don't have any boundaries. It's crazy.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, literally crazy. They're just trying to get us out and so it's just honoring again. What are we feeling, connecting to that feeling, talking to that feeling, saying, okay, I'm feeling this, I'm feeling you. Okay, what are you? What are you? What's showing up? What is that triggering for me? What does that mean for me? What is that attached to? What's the memory?

Speaker 2:

And all of a sudden you go through this whole kind of a healthy loop of kind of a check-in and then you apply it to that partnership, that relationship. It can be with anybody. It can be with your sister, your mom, your dad, your friend, your partner, your employee, your employer, your, it doesn't matter. The difference is that you either you either just recognize it and decide what you want to do with it, or you say, if the person matters enough on some level to you in your life, you say hey, and again, most people don't do this or they don't do it properly or effectively. Say hey, when you said that, when you did that, when this happened, it made me feel like this, I felt like this, you know, and that's a whole other thing that they'll made me feel and then you say you don't make me feel. Yeah, we do make each other feel certain things. That's again a whole other thing.

Speaker 2:

But it made that behavior, that word, that whatever made me create the feeling within me of this and it doesn't feel good and I really like you and I think you seem like a really great person, or you are a really great person, and so I don't know if you're aware that you do these things, or I'd love to understand why you think you do those things, because, hey, you know, I'd love to keep growing here with you in our sisterhood, in our friendship as Boston employee, as da da, da, da da and a healthy human will meet you where you're at. They won't, they won't do the big you know the big term with gaslighting.

Speaker 1:

Can we go there too with a gaslighting and narcissistic behavior thing? Because when you said earlier that men will call women crazy, I hear a lot of women say, yeah, he was narcissistic, and so I'm glad that there's awareness on it. But I'd love you to peel. Peel that apart a little bit for us, if you could. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Well, it's really easy to give people the title of narcissist, and we all have a little of it. That's part of how we honestly navigate in human in humanity and society today. We sadly have to, but it has to be balanced by far more love and healing and healthy awareness and growth right. And so what we're going to show up as a narcissistic word or tendency is kind of quickly diluted by love and good stuff. We'll try this again. So much talk about.

Speaker 1:

So what is narcissistic behavior? Let's maybe just give a quick outline of that.

Speaker 2:

You know narcissism is actually. It's a clinical diagnosis. You can be diagnosed with this At one point in time, again really going back to childhood. Your most important needs mental, spiritual, psychological needs were not met and something within your psyche, to survive, had to create whatever it was so that that didn't hurt so badly and feel so alone and so scary as a little tyke, a little being, and that's just. And you grew with that and you learned, you came to believe that no one cares about you. So therefore, your anecdote to that is well then, I just won't care about you. Yet you can have a really beautiful heart inside that wants to care about so many and wants to feel loved. But you've been absolutely taught without a doubt. It either doesn't exist or it's not safe. So you have people out there. So really, they're really hyperbroken people and we're being told that the narcissist is like a bad evil. They're just so wounded you don't have to be around them. You know you don't have to. You don't, which is even sad because that's self perpetuating with their belief, right, so? But instead, so it's that person that just can't hear you. They can't because that means they're being vulnerable if they hear you. So they have to deflect, they have to gaslight you Everything they're doing. That you say as a human.

Speaker 2:

If you're in a relationship with someone who's narcissistic or narcissistically abusive because it's really abusive to your spirit the feeling is really sticky and painful and lonely and uncomfortable. You have to be able to look at them and go. They're just continuing the pattern of what they've learned is the only thing that's safe for them. They can't safely connect with me, they can't safely hear me, because that means they're being vulnerable. If they're vulnerable, that means they're going to get hurt, they're going to get crushed by us. That's what their psyche believes. So we have to stop looking so much at all the bad narcissists out there and look at ourselves and go. Why are we in this relationship? Not in a shame way? Stop complaining about your narcissistic boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife and just go.

Speaker 2:

I'm with a really, really, really wounded person that is scared to death to be vulnerable on any level. And yet I'm sitting here, staying in this, perpetuating their pain. I'm perpetuating their belief system and I'm bitching about it and complaining about it and I'm allowing myself. I'm not even loving myself by being in this relationship. I'm not loving myself by allowing myself to stay in it and be angry at them. Now I'm indirectly kind of possibly becoming narcissistic myself, right, instead of just going.

Speaker 2:

Oh man, I tried. I really so many cool things about this person, really fell in love with this person, really see that there are so many things that could be so amazing, if you believe in God, that God created them to be, that was amazing. But whatever woundedness they had that I am aware of or I'm not aware of, I can't fix it. So I'm not going to stay in the relationship and sit and listen to 5,000 experts on narcissistic abuse and gray this and that, blah, blah, blah. And here's how to.

Speaker 2:

No, I'm just going to say I see you, I see you, I not I see you, you asshole. I see you, you're a narcissist. No, I see you and I'm and I'm so sorry this doesn't work and they won't be able to hear this anyway, but you're doing it kind of for yourself. I may be a spark of them could and you just say, because I do love you even with all that, I do love you as a person, a being, but I really also love myself, I'm going to back out of this relationship because I don't want to carry anger and resentment towards you and I don't want to continue my life in this pattern. So thank you so much for showing me who you are.

Speaker 2:

Not like thanks for showing me who you are. Thank you for showing me who you are. I'm just going to continue to send you love and I'm going to go over here and I'm going to love myself and I'm going to. You know you're not going to say to them you know you have to hurt them or you don't have to go. I'm going to find somebody who's not a jerk like you. I'm just going to say I'm just going to go over here and I love you.

Speaker 1:

I love this. So we haven't talked about this until this moment and I'm just learning, or, I think, perceiving what your frustration is around this conversation, which is that we've got the narcissistic behavior and it's not acceptable and it's not okay and it's not healthy and we can all recognize that. But on the other side, we also have a choice, and so correct me if I'm wrong, but is the frustration coming from the fact that we've got a lot of people bitching and doing nothing about not really doing anything about it or not choosing for themselves? Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's like I see all of these really brilliant experts in narcissism and I'm not seeing anything, not seeing a healthy way out that isn't, especially that isn't attached to being stuck in your own anger, your own form of narcissism, your own form of stuff. It's just. That's the issue. That's the issue, and the question.

Speaker 1:

Well, one of the questions is well, why do people stay? And I think it comes back to a lot of what we've been talking about low self-worth and a lack of self-love because they somewhere deep inside think that that's what they're worthy or deserving of. Because if they didn't believe that to be true, they wouldn't be choosing, they wouldn't be allowing that in their life. They would at some point get to a point of I don't deserve to be treated XYZ ways and it doesn't. I appreciate the way that you're putting it. It doesn't have to be an FU, although I will say like when it's abusive it's a real thing to be, for people to kind of get the gumption to stand up to a situation or to walk out. If there's real fear there of some kind of abuse, that's another layer to it.

Speaker 2:

Obviously that needs sensitivity, but yeah, but it's what we were saying earlier with regard to your soul choosing the person that has the wounds that your soul needs to heal and even if it's just for the moment, just to have that wake up on that awareness. So again it's why are you staying in that relationship? What wound is it? The matching wound is that we've all heard this, but I'll say it again the matching wound is I choose a narcissist, I choose somebody who doesn't see me, abandons me, because I came from abandonment. My mom did. I'm just speaking in general. My mom didn't see me. My mom abandoned me. My dad abandoned me. Someone abandoned me. I have a big hole there, a big wound there. I'm just going to keep that going until it heals. So we don't know. Logically, that's what's happening, but that's what our soul is doing. It can be that or it can be.

Speaker 2:

I was the oldest child. It's just a scenario. I was the oldest child. I had a mother who, or father who, was an alcoholic. I was the one that was the parent and my parent was the child and I gained my safety and security from being large and in charge in my family and making sure my mom was happy and okay and my dad was happy and okay and as the parent since the age of three. And so now I'm going to choose this person that has narcissistic behavior because I can be in control of them, I can be in charge, I can see their wounds and I can be stronger and better and healthier and I'll fix this. So, again, it's a good way of that wound trying to find a way to heal itself. But it's not and it can't because it's stuck in the density of the ego space and it hasn't had enough of the right help to help move them into a higher level of truth and awareness to break that and to get out of that.

Speaker 1:

And it's stuck in the density of the ego space. I haven't heard that before, but that makes so much sense. Stuck in the density of the ego space.

Speaker 2:

That's what it is. That's all it is, everywhere, with every disconnect we have with any human being. That is what it is. It's okay. You just want to get to a point where you're aware enough of it that you go okay. Now how do we actually change this pattern, because this is exhausting, oh yeah, I mean it's.

Speaker 1:

We're really punctuating that the importance of healing. Healing those things, healing those things within us. One way or another, the universe is going to keep giving us those opportunities, and so we can run away from it over and over and over and keep feeling the same pain. That's ultimately what it is the wound gets just reopened and we just keep feeling the same pain until we do the work to heal it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. So you get to do fun match making things in the dating industry. Tell me a little bit what that's like.

Speaker 2:

Well, it's very hard work and being serious. When people come to me which is why I have love, architect love, design and then the training that I have is they come to me and they say, oh, you matched my friend, it's so great, they seem so in love. Or oh, I saw you on TV or I heard you're one of the best. Or blah, blah, blah, find me a great guy. Or find me a great gal. I'll say, okay, awesome, cool, I'll do my best if that's, if we're meant to work together. But who are you? Let's find out who you are. And they're like oh, I have a great job. And I'll say that's fabulous, okay, but who are you really Like? What, like? What does love mean to you? How does love show up for you? How do you screw love up? Oh, I don't screw love up. I it's just, oh, my gosh, you would not believe the last guy I was with or last woman I was with and I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no. If you're going to invest in me and you want me to do this for you, so that you're actually happy and in love, we're going to do this so differently and so really diving into the truth, the reality of who they are, which uncovers a lot that's really uncomfortable for them. That goes deeper than probably most therapy with love, with tough love, to break open, break through these things, and then, once I finally get to that part of who my client really is, then it's super fun. Oh my gosh, it's amazing, you know.

Speaker 2:

And it's interesting because I have two clients that I'm working with right now. One has done a lot of amazing work. She's in a really beautiful space and she's just a joy and it's so and I think even like, on some higher energetic level, it's attracting all those matches for her Like. So it's like we have a blast interviewing and finding these guys and just like, oh, I can't wait till they meet.

Speaker 2:

And then I have another client who is really really not at her own fault but I love her, but she's really stuck in the hype that society has given her because of her name and her power and that's what she's been meeting men through. And so she's coming from that focus and I've got to break her down, to break her down and I have to get her so wrong, so real, so her soul can have what she wants. And if I were to give her the men she said she wanted she'd be freaking miserable, her ego would be happy for a couple of years, but she'd be miserable and she'd end up in the same spiral. So, yeah, it's cute and sweet and matchmaking, but when people say, oh, so you're a matchmaker, I literally have like a visceral reaction to it because I'm gonna go.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I wish it was that easy. But it is really valuable and important to work or should be, and when I have the chance to really have two really neat, healthy, evolved souls finally meet, other than healing marriages and family dynamics, if there's nothing more romantic, beautiful or bad. But it's really hard work in today's society.

Speaker 1:

It's really hard work. Oh, I can only imagine, yeah, yeah, with people and the distractions and maybe the lack, some of the lack of self-awareness. That's one side of it. I don't want to speak for you, I imagine I mean myself, I got, I got on dating apps and then I got off and then I got back on and I was just like I don't want to have what I'm really conscious of personally and maybe I'm taking this on a too far of a tangent, but I want to keep my energy in a really great place. And then, if I'm not mentally in the right space and I get on an app and I get discouraged by this, this, this, this, this. You know, I'm protective of that.

Speaker 1:

So, so normally I have a very high vibe energy and I don't mean perky, I just mean like a loving, positive outlook on life. But I was like, oh, I don't want this to jade me, I don't, I need to reframe how I approach this, because because it was starting to have just not horribly, but enough of a little grip in a negative mindset of like, oh, I've got to, I'm going to have to quote, unquote, weed through things and take time and take energy, and so I'm guessing also. Maybe there are some. Well, you're in a different arena with elite matchmaking. So many of those people maybe I'm assuming aren't doing doing this approach first, but if they are, they're probably coming to you a little bit worn down too from from those experiences.

Speaker 2:

Are you talking about the singles or the matchmakers out there?

Speaker 1:

The singles that are coming to you that are just worn down or discouraged or so, that it makes your job harder because now it's they got to kind of recalibrate or something. Is that accurate or no?

Speaker 2:

Well, the majority are coming to me, worn down and broken.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Entire whether it's from matchmaking services, dating services, online experience, past relationships, their own stuff that they're doing they're not aware of. Yeah, they're coming to me like that frustrated, and then again thinking I'm just going to put a warm blanket on them and, you know, a warm bath and make it easy and comfortable, and it's like no, I know, honey, I'm so sorry, but we're, we'll get you where you want to go this time, but it's, we have a little more discomfort. We got to walk through fire first. Yeah, we'll be worth it this time and I'll be with you.

Speaker 2:

You won't be alone. The bottom line is that if they don't do the work, they're not going to be happy. It's not about the other person, it's about yourself. Bottom line, if you're single, look at you. And it's not look at you like, look at you, what are you doing wrong, it's look at you Right.

Speaker 2:

So I'm sitting here, I'm single. It might be that I'm sitting here and I'm single. I've done a lot of really good work. I know I have. I really love myself more than I ever have. I feel more peace than I ever have, and so I'm single because I've done all that work and we're in a really sad, messed up world right now and it's really hard to find a guy. That's kind of there. It doesn't make me better, it just it's like I, just it's tough. So that's why I'm single. Or I'm single because I haven't done much work I thought I had, or I have really bad work and it's messed up and I'm in pain and I'm doing and I have a lot of sabotaging behaviors and I don't have enough truth tellers around me to confront me on it, and so I'm staying stuck in a bad spiral and every relationship ends up sucking. So there, because I haven't done my work.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

It's never about the other person. It is always about us.

Speaker 1:

That's a good period. End of story. That's a good punctuation. Okay, I know I've taken so much of your time. I do want to have you share a little bit about a potential event that you're working on. So we're in Minnesota and so fun. We didn't. We didn't record in person today because of weather things and tech issues, but we're both local in Minnesota and you're working on some fun things, so would you mind just sharing about that?

Speaker 2:

Well, yeah, it's interesting, it's really come full circle. So I've been, you know, on the matchmaking and dating side for over 27 years Almost we just say almost 30 years and you know, I have been able to, you know, blessed and able to build my career to a point of where, you know, in society, working with you know, big names and powerful people and 99% referral based, and I charge a lot of money and give a lot back. And what was it really fulfilling for me? So I just sort of set, yeah, I sat back with my team here and I thought I want everyone to know love. We're all meant to have love and to experience love and to have our great partner.

Speaker 2:

So, and and and I and I look at all the competition out there the dating services, the matchmaking services, the online stuff and I look at what they're charging and I look at what people are getting for it. I'm like, okay, I'm in a position where I'm blessed, where I can basically say, okay, I can afford to give the best product ever and the best service and the best experience and barely have to charge a thing anymore. I don't, you know, I literally like, I want to, I'm going to be it. So I'm designing and creating programs that beat all my competitions price is like dramatically and give them 10 times the service. And then love and the experience of success in the end because my gosh, someone's got to do it and and so I'm launching that. So I'm very excited about that. And then the process of training love designers if anyone wants to help and start helping me, let me know people.

Speaker 2:

I'm excited for that really, but but I want to take on Minnesota. I want to match. I'm trying to come up with something fun. We'll either try to launch it, we'll see how it goes. I'm hiring a publicist now that's local, either before Valentine's or after Valentine's to do like a big love, healing, match off, just something massive, I don't know, just to get as many singles aware and evolved and in a space where they can really find each other, meet each other, barely charge anything, so it's affordable to everybody, like comfortably, comfortably affordable, and just let them have at each other. And let's just start changing and shifting the energy, even here in our home state. And so that's yeah, so it's, I'm in the, I'm in the thought design creating process, but I definitely will do it. How it's going to show up, I don't know, but it will be done, and do it with me.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'm, I'm game, I'm up for it. You let me know, caitlin. Yeah, great, this has been such a beautiful time. Thank you for your work in helping change the landscape and perpetuating what I believe is the most powerful force in the universe, which is love, and and shining light on that and empowering people to to find that I. I appreciate that this is so much more than a call about quote unquote, matchmaking and how you're designing love and helping people find it in themselves first. So thank you, and thank you for your time today.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, it's been a joy.

Speaker 1:

Thank you.

The Healing Power of Love
Understanding Love and Self-Love
Healing and Finding Love in Relationships
Unaware Sabotaging Behaviors in Love
Recognizing Relationship Warning Signs
Understanding and Dealing With Narcissistic Behavior
The Challenges of Elite Matchmaking
Affordable Love Revolutionizes Dating Industry