How to Handle Self-Criticism (Minibang)

Speaker 1: 0:02

My name is Jen Briggs and welcome to the whole shebang where, on Mondays, you get what else but a mini bang. These short episodes are really meant to meet you where you're at, to help you set an intention or focus for the week, to consider a perspective that maybe you haven't before, and to answer the most common questions that not only propelled my personal and professional growth, but the best of the best I see around me. This is where we unbecome shedding the layers and the old ways that aren't serving us anymore, and where we continue becoming, stepping into and magnifying more of who you really are and who you're meant to be. So buckle up buttercups we're diving in. Today I want to talk about this idea that we sometimes we have parts of ourselves that we may not like. All of these mini shebangs are for anyone who's looking to become a better version of themselves in any area of life, and I think that's a journey that we're all on. We're all sort of intrinsically wired to design, to evolve and heal and grow, to do hard things, to let things burn, to look in the mirror and as we go through that healing process, I think that the second part is we desire to sort of help other people do the same thing, which is why we're here today.

Speaker 1: 1:21

But I realize, on this journey or I should say, and not, but on this journey of growth and development, as we're so focused on looking inward, sometimes we can get into the trap of being really self-critical and beating ourselves up. Maybe we have a habit we kind of broke, maybe we don't like that. We're less patient or we have more anxiety, or we're kind of depressed or you know, as you start looking in the mirror and becoming more self-aware of the things that surface. There are two ways that we can approach that. One is to be really judgmental towards ourself and critical towards ourself. The other is to be compassionate towards ourself. The other is to be compassionate towards ourself and, as a little bit of a side note, look at how you view other people. How we view other people is a mirror towards how we view ourself and vice versa. And so if you tend to notice that you have a lot of negative self-talk, you are probably also more judgmental towards other people than you realize.

Speaker 1: 2:26

So this idea of compassion towards self and compassion towards others applies both directions, and I think often this idea of self-compassion can get sort of written off because it's bundled into self-love and self-care and bubble baths and don't get me wrong, bubble baths are delightful but what I'm talking about is this idea that when we find ourselves beating ourselves up, trying to fix the problem, trying to discipline it out of us, what if we paused and treated that part of ourselves like we would an embarrassed child who just messed up? Because that is that part of us, that part of us that feels like we mess up or we're not good enough. When we try to protect that part of ourselves, then we puff up often and we get ego involved and then we start to and there is a place for discipline Don't get me wrong, but that's not what I'm talking about today. We start to sort of discipline it out of us, but also, there is a place for discipline Don't get me wrong, but that's not what I'm talking about today. We start to sort of discipline it out of us, but also there is a place to come in and wrap your arms around that part of you and just have a moment of compassion and go oh, I see you, it's okay, you're human and you're not expected to be perfect and I love you. I'm imagining what I would say to one of my daughters who made a mistake and felt embarrassed and felt guilty and felt ashamed and felt like they weren't good enough. Could I say, oh well, you're probably right, we need to fix this habit, we need to create new structure? Sure, I could do that, but oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 4:06

Or think of another example If you've been in a relationship and you're really angry and somebody comes in and they say, do you want a hug? And you say no, okay, well then we can have tension here and resistance and we can fight this thing out. Or I've had circumstances and I've done this with my kids too where somebody is feeling frustrated with themselves or with you or with the situation, you go over to them and you just wrap your arms around them. What happens? Sigh, there's like a melting, there's a disintegration of that, the thing that you were holding on. To Remember this anytime we resist something, even today we're talking about within ourselves, we create tension and tension creates pain. So when you notice this part of you that you're resisting, that, I don't like my body, I don't like the way I think. I wish I could beat this habit. You're beating yourself up over something, you're creating more friction and you're also putting more energy on a thing that doesn't need more energy. Where you put your focus, where you put your energy, that thing is going to expand and get bigger. But if you can come around it and just put a little love on it put a little love there's so many songs I could have sung just now it often will just sort of melt away, and that was my experience with the situation I was dealing with.

Speaker 1: 5:42

I was feeling like I'd gotten online on this dating app. It was about a month ago. I was feeling like I was in a pretty good rhythm and I caught myself about two days where I was checking it more often than normal and feeling like I needed more feedback or wanted more feedback, and thankfully I was self-aware enough to notice that cropping up. And then I got curious, which I think is a good second step Get curious. Where is that coming from? Why is that there? But shortly after that followed a bunch of self-criticism why are you feeling needy? Why are you doing that? Jen, you don't need that. Let's just okay, just get off the app.

Speaker 1: 6:23

I just started sort of mildly beating myself up over it and then remembered this thing that I'd heard that I'm going to share with you. It is from Thich Nhat Hanh. He is a Buddhist that is very famous, and I'm just going to read you a snippet of something that he said and he's talking about. He calls it suffering. So anytime there's anxiety, stress, shame, any of those like lower level things, he said, or fear, he said so you recognize this. Sorry, let me back up. He was answering what do you do when that stuff shows up, when friction shows up? He said so you recognize that fear, recognize that fear, you embrace it tenderly and look deeply into it and as you remember your pain, you will get relief and you find out how to handle that emotion in that moment. And you know how to handle fear, then you have enough insight in order to solve the problem.

Speaker 1: 7:31

The problem is to not allow that anxiety to take over. When these feelings arise, you have to practice in order to use the energy of mindfulness to recognize them, embrace them and look deeply into them. It's like a mother when the baby is crying. Your anxiety is your baby. You have to take care of it. So you have to go back to yourself, recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering and then you get relief. That, my friends, is pretty magical, and so I'm going to throw this out to you.

Speaker 1: 7:58

Whatever day you're listening to this hopefully it's Monday you set the intention for the week to experiment with self-compassion. I know some of you immediately are going to feel resistance to this idea because it feels fluffy to you. But if what you're doing hasn't been working, what if you just try this for a day or two, or five or seven? That your intention is when you start beating yourself up or feeling critical or judgmental towards somebody else, because the two are interconnected what if you embrace that piece of yourself or the other person and had love and compassion for it? Just maybe see what happens, notice how you feel and take a mental note of that. All right, you guys have a fantastic week.

Speaker 1: 8:51

Thank you for joining me and you know what we say have a banging day, as always. Thank you for tuning in. I hope that this episode is supporting you in becoming your most whole self so that you can lead your most full life. You are definitely worthy and deserving of that. All of the resources that we shared today are going to be linked in the show notes. You can check those out there, along with ways that you can connect with us If you've got questions or feedback or people that you think we should reach out to to highlight their story on the whole Spain podcast. In the meantime, please be sure to hit that follow button so you don't miss a beat. Share this episode, or any others, with those that you think could benefit from this conversation, and you can do the podcast a huge favor by leaving a five star review In the meantime. I hope that you have a fantastic banging day.